In A Snit
by wordboy
Summary: Sometimes things are not what they appear to be. It's finished now. Hope you enjoy it.
1. Default Chapter

"In A Snit"  
  
Part One  
  
Time: Sometime during Season Three, after Self-Inflicted Wounds II: Wait For The Wheel, but before Eat Me  
  
Disclaimer: I didn't create Farscape, didn't create the characters and don't make a plug nickel off of it.  
  
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They would always remember where they were when they met…them.  
  
The day started like any other day on the Leviathan known as Moya: Quiet, yet with an underlying sense of impending doom. And, as usual, the members of her crew did their best to ignore it.  
  
However, the universe, as was often speculated, has a capricious sense of humor. Despite the best efforts of the seven, the Real World cannot be ignored.  
  
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"Commander Crichton?"  
  
For a microt, John wasn't sure he actually heard Pilot's voice. He raised his head, looked around his darkened cabin then pulled the coverlet back over his head. Can't a guy get a descent night's sleep around here, he thought.  
  
"Commander Crichton?"  
  
John moaned and sat up. "Pilot, if Moya's not about to be destroyed, you're in big trouble."  
  
"I'm sorry to wake you, Commander, but we may have a problem. Could you come up to Command?"  
  
John moaned again and lay back. "What's the matter? Jool stub her toe and start screaming?"  
  
"There's an unidentified ship coming toward us. They're transmitting a message claiming the entire galaxy is on the verge of destruction."  
  
With a disgusted sigh, John threw aside the coverlet and climbed off the bed. "All right, Pilot. I'll be right up."  
  
As he got dressed, John angrily muttered, "If it's not one thing, it's another. One day without a problem. Just one day. What is that too much to ask?"  
  
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John stopped just inside Command, planted his fists on his hips and looked around. By the main console at the front of the chamber stood D'Argo and Aeryn, both looking as annoyed as John felt. Rygel hovered to one side, staring at the screen. To one side stood Chiana and Jool, for the moment not getting on each other's nerves. On the opposite side of Command stood Stark, his single eye wide with concern.  
  
"Okay, what the frell is the problem now?"  
  
Pilot's image appeared in the clamshell. "As I said, there's a ship approaching. They say the galaxy is on the verge of destruction."  
  
Aeryn fought back a yawn. "Have they identified themselves, Pilot?"  
  
"They say they represent the P'kem'n people, Officer Sun. There is no record of them in Moya's data stores."  
  
D'Argo crossed his arms and frowned. "The name is familiar. I wonder…"  
  
"D'Argo?"  
  
"When I was a child, my grandfather used to tell me stories to scare me into being a good child. I think the P'kem'n were in one of the stories. Something about coming from a foreign land and taking over by using games." He thought for a microt then shook his head. "That's all I remember."  
  
John frowned as he joined Aeryn and D'Argo. "Now that you mention it, the name does sound familiar. Could it be…" He shook he head. "Nah, it couldn't be. Pilot, where's their ship?"  
  
"Off the hammond side, Commander."  
  
"Let's see it."  
  
The image on the screen changed. The P'kem'n ship was a large sphere, red and white in color. John felt his eyes go wide. "No," he muttered, "it can't be." He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed loudly. "Pilot, anything else from their ship?"  
  
"There's an incoming signal, Commander."  
  
"Well, let's hear it."  
  
The screen image changed again. They could see a strictly functional bridge. There seemed to be crewmembers at the various stations, but the high chair backs prevented any of them from seeing the crew at work. Centered in the screen was one being, a squat creature, yellow in color, with large eyes, what looked like whiskers and short, stubby arms. The P'kem'n seemed to be smiling, but there was obvious fear in its eyes.  
  
Aeryn frowned at the image. "Hello. What can we do for you?"  
  
"Do?" The P'kem'n had a high-pitched, almost squeaky voice. "The galaxy is about to be destroyed, and you're asking what you can do for me?"  
  
Rygel grunted. "So the galaxy's about to be destroyed, is it? Tell me, then…who are the ones to do it?"  
  
The P'kem'n leaned back from his pickup as if in fear. "It's…"  
  
"Yes…?"  
  
"…it's…"  
  
"…yes…"  
  
"…it's…"  
  
Aeryn growled. "Oh for the love of…just who the frell is it?"  
  
The P'kem'n inhaled sharply. "It's…the…Snits!"  
  
John looked at D'Argo, who looked at Aeryn, who looked at Rygel. The four of them turned to Chiana, Jool and Stark. They turned slowly back to the screen.  
  
"I'm sorry," D'Argo said. "Is that name supposed to mean something to us?"  
  
The P'kem'n sputtered, and what looked like electricity crackled around it. "You mean, you've never…how could you not…how…"  
  
John held up a hand and silenced him. "Hold on a microt, Pikachu. Calm down. Now, by snit, I assume you're not talking about a brief fit of agitation, right?"  
  
The P'kem'n's mouth opened and closed several times before he was able to speak. "I am talking about the most vile, hideous, gut-wrenching, soul- destroying conquerors the galaxy, if not the entire universe has ever seen! How could you not have heard of the Snits?"  
  
"We lead a sheltered life. You've encountered these Snits before?"  
  
The P'kem'n took a deep breath and appeared to calm down. "The Snits attacked out world three cycles ago. We managed to repel them at great cost. Now, ships like this one are spreading the warning about the Snits."  
  
John again looked at D'Argo, who again looked at Aeryn, who again looked at Rygel. "If these Snits are such fearsome warriors," D'Argo asked, "why haven't we heard of them?"  
  
Aeryn nodded in agreement. "Good question, D'Argo. There's nothing about these Snits in Moya's data stores, and I don't recall ever hearing about them in any briefing. If they're out to destroy the galaxy, they're doing it very quietly."  
  
"Stealth is one of their weapons, along with fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to their leaders. Their ships are painted black so they can't be seen. Plus they're invisible to sensors. Their ships are big enough to eclipse a sun, which is appropriate, considering their arrival heralds eternal night."  
  
"Very melodramatic." John chewed on his lower lip. "Can you give us a microt, please? Pilot, put them on hold." As the screen went blank, John asked, "Well, what do you think?"  
  
"He's obviously afraid of something," Aeryn said. "Maybe we should take this seriously."  
  
"Seriously? You must be joking." Rygel looked at the screen and shook his head. "These people are obviously deluded. Unstoppable conquerors named Snits? Please."  
  
"And what if he's telling the truth?" D'Argo frowned and shook his head. "I agree with Aeryn. We should, for the time being, treat this like a real threat."  
  
John nodded and looked back over his shoulder. "Anything from the peanut gallery?"  
  
"Better safe than sorry," Chiana said. "Find out what the frell's got their mivonks twisted."  
  
"I wouldn't take them lightly," Stark said. "They may sound funny but they could be quite dangerous. I was at a gathering once where most of the party was slaughtered by costumed entertainers. We were laughing at them microts earlier."  
  
"Well, everyone knows clowns are evil. Jool?"  
  
"Why wait to find out? We should just starburst out of here?"  
  
"Thank you for the input. Didn't Pikachu say his people repelled the Snits? Maybe we should get him over here and find out what they did?"  
  
Aeryn nodded. "Might be a good idea. Pilot, bring them back."  
  
The P'kem'n reappeared on the screen, looking more panicked than before. "Why are you taking so long? The Snits could be here any microt now?"  
  
"Now settle down. You're going to blow a fuse. Look, your people repelled the Snits, yes? Why not share that information with us?"  
  
"Share the knowledge?"  
  
"Yeah. Come on over. We'll do lunch."  
  
"Come over there?"  
  
"That's right, and I choose you, Pikachu."  
  
The P'kem'n stared at them, then nodded slowly. "All right. We'll share our knowledge, but you have to come here. That way, if the Snits show up, we'll be able to leave."  
  
"Fine. We'll be over in a few microts." As the P'kem'n's image disappeared from the screen, John chuckled. "Well, let's get going. Don't want to keep the little guy any more agitated."  
  
They started out of Command, but stopped when Pilot's anxious voice came from the clamshell. "There's a ship approaching! It's huge, but it's not showing up on Moya's sensors!"  
  
The P'kem'n reappeared on the screen. "It's them! It's the Snits! We're doomed! Our lives are about to end! Our souls will be destroyed and our bones shall be ground…" The screen went blank.  
  
Aeryn sighed and turned to the clamshell. "Thank you, Pilot."  
  
"You're welcome. He was beginning to annoy Moya. However, we do still have a problem."  
  
"You're right. Let's see these Snits."  
  
For a microt, the screen held the image of the star field. In the center of the screen, a black spot appeared and began to grow, blotting out the stars. It grew until they could see its hull was bristling with weapons. It continued to grow until it filled the screen.  
  
It continued to grow.  
  
John swallowed. "Um…that's big. That's real big. Pilot, can we see the whole thing?"  
  
On the clamshell, Pilot frowned. "I'm already at the lowest setting on the screen, Commander."  
  
"Oh. Okay. Do you have a handle on how big this ship is?"  
  
Pilot looked down at his console and tapped controls. "The ship is roughly disk shaped and is at least several hundred times the size of Moya. From what I can see, this ship is more heavily armed than a Command Carrier."  
  
Chiana walked up to the main console. "May I suggest we not get on these people's bad side?"  
  
"It may be too late for that." D'Argo leaned on the console and stared at the image.  
  
The silence that descended on Command was broken by Pilot. "There's an audio signal coming in from the Snit ship."  
  
Aeryn looked at John and shrugged. "Put them on, Pilot."  
  
The voice that blared from the speakers was low-pitched, deep and rumbling. "We are…the Snits. Your lives are at an end. Resistance is useless!"  
  
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TO BE CONTINUED! 


	2. In A Snit 2

"In A Snit"  
  
Part One  
  
Time: Sometime during Season Three, after Self-Inflicted Wounds II: Wait For The Wheel, but before Eat Me  
  
Disclaimer: I didn't create Farscape, didn't create the characters and don't make a plug nickel off of it.  
  
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John listened as the voice of the Snits echoed through Command. He looked from Aeryn to D'Argo and asked, "Do we still have the 'Don't Shoot We're Pathetic' sign?"  
  
Aeryn began tapping instructions into the main console. "Pilot, get us the frell out of here!"  
  
On the clamshell, Pilot's image looked harried. "I can't! The Snit ship is projecting some kind of field that's interfering with Moya's engines! Even starburst is not functioning!"  
  
"Get the P'kem'n on the horn, Pilot." John studied the console and shook his head. "What is it about us that attracts people like this?"  
  
"It's you," Aeryn said. "You're a magnet for bad luck."  
  
"Thank you. When do I start getting blamed for bad weather?" As the P'kem'n appeared on the screen, John said, "Pikachu, quick! What did your people do to repel the Snits?"  
  
"It's too late! The Snits are here! It's time to prepare to make peace with your god!"  
  
John held up a hand, trying to calm the P'kem'n down. "Whoa! Pikachu! Calm down! It's never too late! What did your people do?"  
  
"There's no time!"  
  
"Time? There's always time! What did you do?"  
  
The P'kem'n closed his eyes and sighed in resignation. "We told them about…"  
  
The screen went blank, cutting off the P'kem'n, as the voice of the Snits blared from the speakers. "We are…the Snits. You will surrender your ship to our control and prepare yourselves for immediate termination."  
  
"You will comply," John muttered. "Pilot, let's talk to them."  
  
Aeryn looked skeptical. "You have a plan?"  
  
"Just trying to gather some intelligence, Aeryn. Pilot?"  
  
"Go ahead, Commander."  
  
John cleared his throat. "Hello, is there something we can do for you?"  
  
"We are…the Snits. You will surrender your ship to our control and prepare yourselves immediate termination."  
  
"Ah, yes. There's a problem with that. We've grown accustomed to breathing. Maybe we can talk about this?"  
  
For a long few microts, the speakers remained silent. The seven of them looked around Command, each expecting the worst. From the back of the chamber, Jool moaned in despair. "We are going to die." She flinched at the acid look Chiana turned on her.  
  
"God loves an optimist," John said. He glanced at the screen and frowned. "Pilot, are we still connected?"  
  
"Yes, Commander."  
  
"Then why the frell aren't they answering? Hello! Snits! There's no need to destroy us. We're only a danger to ourselves."  
  
The image on the screen changed. Now, what looked like a huge pair of eyes, bloodshot and nearly black in color, set against a background of hair or fur appeared.  
  
"My, what big eyes you have, grandma. Hi there!"  
  
"We are…the Snits! I am Viterana, Preceptor of the Snits. Who are you?"  
  
"Me? John Crichton, Duke of Earl. Maybe we can talk about this?"  
  
"Talk? What is there to talk about? We are…the Snits! We shall grind the universe beneath our thumb! Resistance is useless!"  
  
"So I've heard."  
  
"You will surrender your ship to our control and prepare for termination."  
  
Think, John, think! "That's not a real good idea. Because if we're destroyed, you'll be destroyed, too."  
  
The anger faded slightly from the eyes. "What do you mean? Your Leviathan is unarmed, and the P'kem'n armament is beneath notice. In any fight, you will lose."  
  
"Are you sure about that?"  
  
Out of the corner of his eye, John saw confusion and disbelief on D'Argo's face. Rygel was muttering something about him having a death wish.  
  
Aeryn leaned close. "John?"  
  
"Don't worry, Aeryn. I have a plan!"  
  
"The four most dangerous words in the universe: John Crichton saying 'I have a plan."  
  
Behind them, Jool moaned again. "So this is it! We're going to die!"  
  
"What do you mean," Viterana asked, "that we will be destroyed as well?"  
  
"Good question," Chiana whispered.  
  
"The information I'm about to give you is highly classified. It's top secret, one of the Peacekeeper's most closely guarded secrets. This Leviathan is equipped with an explosive device powered by a substance known as corbomite. If you fire on us, the resulting explosion will be so powerful that not only will we be destroyed, but so will the Pokeman ship out there. So will you, by the way. The explosion will be so powerful that this entire sector will be rendered uninhabitable for at least one hundred cycles."  
  
"You're bluffing, Crichton."  
  
"Am I?"  
  
The Snit's eyes looked to one side. "We're being scanned," Pilot said. "They're accessing Moya's data stores."  
  
Rygel drifted close to John. "Crichton, have you gone completely fahrbot?"  
  
"Trust me, Buckwheat. It worked for Kirk." John could hear Start begin to pray.  
  
"We have scanned your Leviathan, Crichton. There is no sign of an explosive device, and no information about it in the data stores."  
  
"Really? Do the words 'classified,' 'most closely guarded secret' and 'top secret' mean anything to you? Do you really think we'd leave information about the corbomite device where anyone could find it? Besides, it's shielded from sensors; you probably looked right past it. So, the question you should be asking yourself is, do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"  
  
The eyes stared at them for another microt. "We'll get back to you."  
  
Chiana patted John on the back. "You're getting suicidal in your old age, right?"  
  
"Look, just trust me. Bullies usually back down when confronted." John put on what he hoped was a reassuring smile.  
  
He tried not to react when he heard Harvey's voice in the back of his mind. "A desperate ruse, John. As Aeryn pointed out, these Snits are unknown to the Peacekeepers. Therefore, I cannot advise you. You are on your own."  
  
John's mouth twitched into a brief smile. What a frellin' change of pace, he thought.  
  
Viterana's voice blasted from the speakers again. "We are…the Snits! We require two representatives to come to our ship for…negotiation."  
  
The seven of them sighed in relief simultaneously.  
  
"Thank you for being reasonable," John said. "Give us a few microts to decide who'll go over and…"  
  
"It will be you, Crichton, and your Sebacean female."  
  
Aeryn's eyes grew dark, and John could almost hear her teeth grind together. "His…female…?"  
  
John cut her off with a glance. "Okay. Look, would you mind if some of our crew went over to the Pokeman ship?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well, we've never encountered them, either. Call us curious."  
  
"No, that will not be a problem. You have thirty microts."  
  
"Thirty microts. Right. See you then." John leaned on the console and sighed again. "Well, that bought us some time."  
  
"While you and Aeryn are with the Snits," D'Argo said, "I'll try to find out what the P'kem'n did to repel them."  
  
"Good, D. We'll get out of this yet. Pilot, analyze the field that's interfering with Moya's engines. Se if you can come up with some way to negate it." John looked at Aeryn, who looked somewhat less than pleased. "Shall we go?"  
  
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"It's the end of the world as we know it," John sang. "I feel fine!"  
  
Aeryn growled loudly and roughly clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Will you please stop singing?"  
  
John glanced at her and saw the irritation on her face. "What's the matter? Don't like my singing?" He set the transport pod down in the hanger of the Snit ship. Like the ship itself, the hanger was massive; it looked large enough for both Moya and Talyn to maneuver without getting in each other's way. Unlike the strictly utilitarian exterior, however, there was an almost surreal feel to the interior of the hanger. Its color scheme was wild; apparently, the Snits decided to use every color in existence to decorate the interior of their ship.  
  
"Either move on to a different line or stop entirely!" Aeryn checked her pulse pistol, then returned it to its holster.  
  
"Sorry, Aeryn, that's all I remember." John shut down the engines and lowered the ramp. "Let's not keep them waiting."  
  
As they walked down the ramp, the scale of the hanger began to weigh on them. John began to feel like he was standing at the bottom of a Technicolor canyon. "Now, this is imposing," he said. He looked around and frowned. "Welcoming committee?"  
  
Aeryn looked into the distance. "There's something coming our way. It's flying, about shoulder height."  
  
"Where?" Aeryn pointed. John looked in the indicated direction, squinted a bit and shook his head. "I don't see anything."  
  
"It's right there. If your eyes weren't so deficient…"  
  
"Look, we've been over this. My eyes are better'n 20-20 and they're blue." He continued to stare. After a few microts, the object Aeryn had spotted became clear.  
  
It looked like a flying hand or glove, with the index finger pointing, an eye where the thumbnail should have been, and a grinning mouthful of teeth between the second and third finger. It flew up to them and stopped, staring at them.  
  
"Hey, I saw this movie," John said. "Where're the Blue Meanies?"  
  
The flying hand stared at them, then turned and started away. Aeryn and John exchanged looks. The hand stopped, turned and stared at them. "Well, let's not keep Glove waiting."  
  
As they started walking, John ignored the threatening look Aeryn turned on him as he started singing again.  
  
"In the town where I was born, lived a man who sailed to sea…and he told us of his life in the land of submarines…"  
  
After what seemed like an arn of walking, Glove turned again and stopped them. Aeryn looked around. "Are we going to be picked up?"  
  
Glove's smile grew…and the floor disappeared from under them.  
  
After a microt, John and Aeryn caught up with the descending floor. "Send a signal up to the transport pod," John said. "I think my stomach's still up there."  
  
Aeryn continued to stare upward, watching the hanger disappear. "At the very least, there should be a warning sign."  
  
As abruptly as it started, the lift platform stopped. John and Aeryn looked around at the darkness. "Hello? Anybody there?"  
  
A loud, but high-pitched voice came from in front of them. "If you do not follow our instructions, you will be destroyed!"  
  
Both of them immediately drew their pulse pistols and scanned the darkness. "Okay, enough with the threats. Where are you?"  
  
"I am Viterana, Preceptor of the Snits."  
  
"Come on out where we can see you."  
  
"I'm right in front of you."  
  
John squinted and tried to look into the darkness. "Aeryn?"  
  
"I can't see anything. Unless…are you cloaked?"  
  
"No! Can't you see me? I'm here! Down here, you stupid Sebaceans!"  
  
John looked at Aeryn again, then they both looked down. By their feet was what looked like a ball of fur, with two large, angry looking eyes, a tiny mouth that was twisted into a scowl, and two wiry arms that ended in two fingers.  
  
"You're…you're…"  
  
"I am Viterana, Preceptor of the Snits! If you begin laughing, it will be the last thing you do!"  
  
John continued to stare. "You have GOT to be kidding me."  
  
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TO BE CONTINUED! 


	3. In A Snit 3

"In A Snit" Part Three Time: Sometime during Season Three, after Self-Inflicted Wounds II: Wait For The Wheel, but before Eat Me.  
  
Disclaimer: I didn't create Farscape, didn't create the characters, and don't make a plug nickel off of it.  
  
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John continued to stare at Viterana, the Snit leader, still not believing what he saw. "So, let me get this straight. According to the Pokeman, you Snits are the most feared warriors in known space."  
  
"That no one's ever heard of," Aeryn added.  
  
"Right. Your ship is huge, big enough to eclipse a star. It's armed to the teeth with enough weaponry to outgun a command carrier.but you're only a couple of inches tall?"  
  
Viterana planted his stubby arms on his side. "That's right! What's the matter, Crichton? Have a problem with size?"  
  
John glanced at Aeryn and shook his head. "No, not at all. It just seems like over-compensation. Most guys would just buy a hot car, y'know."  
  
Viterana stared at John then started to pace, sliding easily on the smooth deck. "You're just like all the rest. You don't think beings as small as us can be players in galactic affairs, right? You think we're easy to take advantage of, right? It's been that way throughout our history. Every race that's ever come to our homeworld of Snit-Sphere.are you laughing, female?"  
  
Aeryn bit the inside of her mouth. "No. I'm not laughing. I'm serious."  
  
Viterana's expression grew darker. "Every race that's come to Snit-Sphere has felt the same way. 'Oh how cute,' they say. 'Oh look at the little balls of fur,' they say. Then, we said, 'No more!' Now, the galaxy will pay!" Squeaky yet still maniacal laughter echoed through the darkness.  
  
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Chiana watched the P'kem'n pace the small room. "Oh, this is bad," he said. "Bad, bad, bad! What if Crichton fails? Oh, our souls will be destroyed and our bones used for plant fertilizer!"  
  
D'Argo closed his eyes and forced himself to stay calm. He glanced at Chiana. "Maybe we should have brought Stark along. They seem to be kindred spirits." He reached out and stopped the P'kem'n's pacing. "Look, we have to have some faith in John and Aeryn. Now, what did you tell the Snits to save your planet?"  
  
The P'kem'n backed away from D'Argo and bounced nervously from foot to foot. "We.we.we.oh what's the point!"  
  
With a growl, D'Argo lifted the P'kem'n up. "What.did.you.do?"  
  
"We told them we had a super weapon that would destroy them if we were attacked."  
  
D'Argo blinked and let the P'kem'n drop to the deck. "You told them."  
  
"Yes, we lied to them. We told them that our planet was surrounded by a conveniently undetectable field that would reflect back any weapons fire directed at the surface."  
  
Chiana looked surprised. "Well, it looks like Crichton was on the right track. Except, didn't you say your people repelled the Snits at great cost?"  
  
The P'kem'n's eyes lowered. "Well, yes. The Snits were so outraged that they destroyed several of our colonies and outposts in the system."  
  
"So it's quite possible that even if the Snits let us live, they may take their anger out on someone else?" D'Argo exchanged a look with Chiana.  
  
Both of them slapped their comms. "John! Aeryn!"  
  
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"Okay, D'Argo. Got it." John looked around the bare chamber he and Aeryn had been taken to by several of the Snits, while Viterana continued his maniacal ranting. Through the chamber's open door, he could see a veritable sea of Snits.  
  
"What's your situation over there?" D'Argo's voice was a whisper; they had turned down the volume on their comms to keep the Snits from hearing them.  
  
John glanced out the door again. "Well, it's the attack of the killer tribbles over here, D, but we're all right so far. We'll be in touch."  
  
"What's a trbbl?"  
  
John looked at Aeryn. "Huh? Trbbl? Oh, it's tribble. It's a small ball of fur, kinda like the Snits, only without the eyes, the arms and the 'tude."  
  
"Are they dangerous?"  
  
"No, they just eat a lot and make more tribbles. What do you think we should do?"  
  
"I think we should proceed carefully. We don't what them pissed on."  
  
"Pissed off," John corrected. He watched several of the Snits gather around Viterana and apparently started an argument with them. Another Snit slid into the room.  
  
John watched him carefully. "Trouble at the mill?"  
  
The Snit looked at Viterana, then up at John. "Many of us disagree with Viterana and the policies he's enacted."  
  
Aeryn knelt in front of the Snit. "What really happened to set this off?"  
  
"Viterana has always been rather sensitive about his height. If you'll notice, even for a Snit, he's a bit.short."  
  
John dropped to one knee. "I hadn't noticed. But he still couldn't just buy a hot car to make up for it?"  
  
"He's always been prone to overreaction. He once killed a thousand of our fellow Snits because a few of them didn't laugh at a joke he made. Many of us fear that if we continue on this course, it will mean the end of the Snit race."  
  
"Well, if you do continue, it's only a matter of time before you encounter one of the major powers." Aeryn glanced at John, silently urging him to follow her lead.  
  
The Snit looked uncertain. "Really? Are there really that many dangerous races out there? Is everything I've heard about the Peacekeepers true?"  
  
"Don't know what you've heard," John said, "but does the phrase 'shoot first and don't ask questions' mean anything to you?"  
  
"The Nebari? Surely they."  
  
"One of their host vessels took out a Peacekeeper command carrier."  
  
"The Scarrans?"  
  
"They'd have you for a late night snack, then use your hull plating to pick fur from their teeth."  
  
The Snits tiny hands clasped and he began to pace. "Oh my.oh my.oh my.perhaps it's time to reconsider our path. If there truly are so many dangerous races in the galaxy."  
  
"Yes, there are. Peacekeepers, Scarrans, Nebari."  
  
"Oh my," John added. "Look, Furbie, we're all for peaceful coexistence, but it ain't gonna happen if Viterana is still in charge."  
  
"But Viterana controls the Hands. They're his main means of enforcement."  
  
John thought quickly. "I'll tell you what, let us talk to him. I'm sure we can convince him that galactic domination is not for him."  
  
The Snit thought for a microt. "Let me consult with the others. What will you say to them?"  
  
"Well, I'd rather wait until I can speak to a group of you. I hate repeating myself."  
  
As the Snit left the chamber, Aeryn looked at John. "You have a plan?"  
  
John shrugged. "Well, following in Kirk's footsteps isn't helping. Time to pull a Picard and talk our way out of this."  
  
"What are you going to say?"  
  
"As soon as I know, I'll tell you." John looked around quickly. "Do you hear that?"  
  
Aeryn listened. What sounded like rumbling could be heard in the distance. "Something wrong with the ship's systems, do you think?"  
  
The rumbling became rhythmic pounding. "Either that, or Moya has a real bad case of heartburn. Can you see anything."  
  
Viterana's voice sounded from all around them. "So the traitors who seek to depose me have made their presence known! Conspiring with aliens is grounds for immediate execution! The sentence will be carried out immediately!"  
  
John and Aeryn poked their heads through the door. In the distance, they could see several of the Hands, each one clenched into fists, pounding on the deck, trying to crush the retreating Snits.  
  
"That is not a good sign," John said.  
  
Two of the Hands stopped pounding and turned toward their chamber. As they flew toward them, John and Aeryn drew their pulse pistols.  
  
"Oh frell," they said in unison. 


	4. In A Snit 4

"In A Snit" Part Four Time: Sometime during Season Three, after Self-Inflicted Wounds II: Wait For The Wheel, but before Eat Me.  
  
Disclaimer: I didn't create Farscape, didn't create the characters, and don't make a plug nickel off of it.  
  
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Aeryn watched the two Hands, both clenched into fists, rushed toward them. There was a decidedly wicked look in their single eyes. "All right, this is a bad turn."  
  
"Yeah," John said, "definitely a bad turn." He raised his pulse pistol and took aim. "Winona don't fail me now!" He opened fire a microt after Aeryn.  
  
The Hands continued forward for another microt or two. The two of them then started whimpering and veered off. They took up position near the ceiling and seemed to be shaking in fear.  
  
They stared at the Hands then turned to each other. "Don't tell me it's that easy," Aeryn said.  
  
"Hey, don't look a gift horse in the mouth." John stepped out of the cubicle and surveyed the scene before him. Snits were trying their best to avoid the pounding Hands. "Shall we end this and get on with our lives?"  
  
"Yes, lets." Aeryn began firing at the Hands to he right, while John fired on the ones on the left. Within microts, all the Hands were clustered by the ceiling, each one shaking in apparent fear. "Okay. Problem one down. Any ideas?"  
  
"Don't worry about it, Aeryn. I'll come up with something. Inspiration's my specialty." John saw by the look on Aeryn's face that she didn't share his confidence.  
  
Viterana's voice echoed through the chamber. "You! Crichton! I'm given the order to destroy the P'kem'n ship!"  
  
"Not a good idea, Vito. Do you really want to bring the wrath of the Peacekeepers down on you?"  
  
"The Peacekeepers? Feh! Nothing in the Peacekeeper fleet can match the firepower of this vessel!"  
  
"Really? Are you certain?" John holstered his pulse pistol and planted his hands on his hips. "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've created."  
  
"Really? Why?"  
  
"Ever hear of the Death Star?"  
  
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"We're on our way, Aeryn," D'Argo said as he piloted the transport pod away from the P'kem'n ship. "They're trying to pull away from the Snit ship now."  
  
"Anything from Pilot?"  
  
"Pilot thinks he's come up with something," Chiana said. "He's found the projector that controls the field. It doesn't seem to be well protected."  
  
"Once we land, I'm going to try and shoot it with my Qualta Rifle."  
  
"Take my pulse rifle with you, just in case. Wait for our signal. John's trying to reason with the Snits. Tell Pilot to be ready to starburst."  
  
"We'll be ready, Aeryn. Good luck." D'Argo angled the transport pod for Moya's landing bay and traded concerned looks with Chiana.  
  
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"The Death Star? What kind of name is that?"  
  
John knelt in front of Viterana. "Don't like the name? What's this ship called?"  
  
"Snit's Revenge."  
  
"And you're complaining about the Death Star?"  
  
"Mere hyperbole."  
  
"You think so? Tell me, what's the maximum destructive capability of this ship?"  
  
"The Snit's Revenge can depopulate a planet's surface in three arns."  
  
"Three arns? Wow, that is impressive. The Death Star can destroy a planet, reduce it to rubble, in a matter of microts with just a single shot." John watched Aeryn walk up to them, keeping her pulse pistol trained on the cowering Hands. "Everything okay back at the ranch?"  
  
Aeryn nodded. "D'Argo's taking care of business."  
  
"Good. I was just telling Vito here about the Death Star."  
  
Aeryn stared and her face went blank. "The Death Star?"  
  
"Yeah, the Death Star. You were there when they destroyed Alderaan. The station's superlaser did it in one shot, right?"  
  
"Yes, that's right. Exactly. One shot." Aeryn looked down at John and wondered what he was talking about.  
  
Viterana frowned and the anger faded from his eyes. "That's impossible. No matter how big the laser is, it couldn't destroy a planet in one shot."  
  
"Would you like to find out, Vito? The Death Star will shatter Snit World."  
  
"Snit-Sphere!"  
  
"Whatever. The Death Star will crack it like an egg. So, are you still feeling lucky?"  
  
Viterana continued to stare at John. "How.many.of.these.Death.Stars.are.there?"  
  
John's mouth twisted into an evil grin. "One, at the moment."  
  
The Snit's eyes went wide. "At.the.moment.?"  
  
"Yeah, they're building a second one. It's bigger."  
  
"B.b.bigger?"  
  
"More powerful, too."  
  
"M.m.more powerful?"  
  
"Yup. So, go ahead. Destroy the P'kem'n ship. Hell, go ahead and destroy Moya. After that, make peace with whatever furry little gods you worship, because you'll be meeting them soon."  
  
It looked to John that Viterana was beginning to quiver. "Um.Crichton? Can you give me a microt, please? I have to consult with my crew."  
  
"Sure. Don't take too long. I'm getting tired of dealing with you. I may just call the Death Star in just for dren and giggles."  
  
"Won't be long at all." Viterana turned and quickly crossed to a nearby cluster of Snits.  
  
Aeryn watched them for a microt then leaned close to John. "Are you sure about this?"  
  
John whispered, "Aeryn, don't worry about it. This'll work." Louder, he said, "Some people have to learn the hard way that you don't frell with the Peacekeepers." He stood, crossed his arms and looked pleased with himself.  
  
D'Argo sounded concerned over their comms. "John, Aeryn, what's your situation?"  
  
"Everything's cool so far, D. Stand by."  
  
A few microts later, Viterana came back to them. "Ah, Crichton, I have a proposal for you. Would you agree to, say, us letting you and the P'kem'n go and forgetting about the whole thing?"  
  
"Just sweep it under the rug," John asked.  
  
"Pretend it never happened," Aeryn added.  
  
"Of course. No one was injured, all you lost was a few arns of your valuable time."  
  
"No harm, no foul. I don't know. Let me consult with my colleague. What do you think, Aeryn?"  
  
Aeryn looked down at the Snits, her face a hard mask. "I don't know. I don't like having my time wasted by self-important little fur balls."  
  
Viterana raised his stubby arms. "Wait, please! It was all a misunderstanding!"  
  
"Well, to avoid further misunderstandings, you will return to Snit-Land."  
  
"Snit-Sphere!" Viterana shrank away from the angry look Aeryn turned on him. "Sorry."  
  
"You will return to Snit-LAND and will stay there until the Peacekeepers contact you. If I ever hear of you or anyone else from your pathetic little system."  
  
"Um, the Snit System has twenty-five planets." Viterana shrank further away as Aeryn drew her pulse pistol. "Sorry."  
  
"If I ever hear of you or anyone else from your pathetic LITTLE system bothering anyone, I will find you and use whatever you have for mivonks as decoration in my sleeping chamber."  
  
"You'll never hear from us again! You won't even know we were there!"  
  
"You had better make sure of that, dude. I've seen her do that before." John winced and shook his head. "It ain't a pretty sight. So, we cool? Good. Now, how do we get out of here?"  
  
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As John, Aeryn and D'Argo watched the Snit ship disappear from view, Pilot's image appeared on the clamshell. "The P'kem'n are on line."  
  
"Put them up, Pilot." John leaned on the main console and sighed. "Well, that was an experience I'll never forget."  
  
Aeryn leaned next to him. "An experience. I suppose that's one way to put it." The P'kem'n appeared on the screen. "Well, you'll be leaving soon, I suppose."  
  
"Yes, we'll be underway soon." The P'kem'n's high-pitched voice was happy and relaxed. "What did you tell the Snits to make them retreat?"  
  
"We told them about a bigger power."  
  
"A power bigger than the Peacekeepers and the Scarrans?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"But there are no bigger powers than the Peacekeepers and the Scarrans."  
  
"Yeah, I know. I lied through my teeth. It worked, didn't it? Now, if I had told them about the MIBs, that would have been a different story."  
  
The P'kem'n froze and his face took on a look of abject fear. "The.the.MIBs?"  
  
"Yeah, the Men In Black. It's an urban myth on my planet. Supposedly, these guys in black suits and shades show up every time there's a UFO sighting.wait a microt."  
  
The P'kem'n stared for another microt before severing the link. As the star field returned, they saw the P'kem'n ship accelerated away.  
  
"What was that about," D'Argo asked.  
  
"I think they may have.naw, it couldn't be." John shook his head slowly. "File it with the other weird ass things that have happened over the last couple of cycles, D." He looked at the screen again and started from Command. As he walked down the corridor, he started singing again.  
  
"Ground Control to Major Tom.commencing countdown, engines on."  
  
THE END 


End file.
